Have I ever mentioned how my parents met? They were neighbors. My dad was with a friend of his and they were talking about wolf whistling, you know, the classic way to tell a woman she’s banging. My mom was walking by, and his friend had done a lame attempt, so my dad stepped in and said “this is how you whistle to a girl”. I don’t know how it evolved but soon they were dating. It was the 70′s. Mom was 12, Dad was 15, and that was basically it. They’re still together, still in love, and I couldn’t be more grateful. This, however, has produced the dilemma that my mother cannot relate to pretty much any dating experience I have. I mean, I’m blessed that she’s not the least bit judgmental about the fact that she’s only ever slept with one man while I have a slightly higher number (impossible not to), but she has nooo idea how rough it is out there! Women in my family have had the luck of settling down either with their first or second boyfriends. Three women in my family are currently married to the boyfriends they had in high school, my sister is in a long term relationship with a guy since she was 18 (she turns 22 next month), and the only other single people in my family are my 52 year old aunt (separated) and her mother, my 80-something grandma (widowed). These women have no idea what it’s like to be wanted only for sex by men who don’t even disguise it! I mean, no guys texting late at night or early in the morning saying “I’m home alone and I want you”, then practicing radio silence again until the chance to get their dick wet arises again (this is how ladies talk, by the way). I mean, not even a beer? An invite to get a burger at McDonalds and go dutch?
Here’s an email I sent a pen pal (yes, those still exist) about my “dating” life.
Allow me to recount my last two outings (they don’t even count as dates) with men. Men that I met on OkC, by the way.
Guy #1. Lives close to where I work so I tell him we can meet up for the burger joint that’s across the street from work. I went right after my shift, so my hair wasn’t looking great and I was in my uniform, but he sort of sprung it on me so I didn’t have time to look decent. We each bought our food and beer. He asked me what I was looking for from the site. I told him I wanted to date. Not full on committed relationship where everything’s all serious, but more than just hooking up. He then looked at me and said “To be honest, I kinda expected some hooking up tonight”. I laughed and said I was flattered. He told me he’d gotten out of a relationship in October and wasn’t ready to date anybody yet Since it had gotten dark and he had walked over he asked me if I could drive him home. When I dropped him off he said “Are you sure you don’t wanna come up?”.
(Sidebar: On my profile, on the “Looking for” part I put in everything except casual sex. Do people even read that? I didn’t put it in for a reason, so if that’s the only thing they’re interested in, I’m sure there are many lovely ladies online and in real life who would be very happy to oblige them.)
Guy #2. While on said burger and beer outing with Guy #1, Guy #2 sent me a message asking me if I was at said burger joint. When I got home and read it, turns out Guy #2 not only lives 4 minutes from my house, he works at the burger place. He asked me to meet him for drinks once in Old San Juan. I went, and the moment we got to the place he ran into two gorgeous girls and we spent the whole night with them. They all knew each other. He was flirty with them and bought them drinks as well. Then, when they ditched him, he got aggressive with me, and by that I mean he grabbed my crotch in the middle of the street. I brushed him off all night and headed home, all the while turning down his invites. I was actually excited about going out with him before I left the house. He showed some promise previous to showing douchiness.
By the way, I’m ashamed to admit I eventually slept with Guy #2. Twice. Once without intending to, the second time to see if it would be better. It’s not that it was bad per se, it’s just that I didn’t feel that rush I’ve felt before. I didn’t feel sexually fulfilled, I guess. I know why it is. This guy is clearly not into me, not even a little bit, except when he’s in me, then he kinda is. The rest of the time I don’t exist and I don’t cross his mind. The moment I realized this was how he felt, I stopped being into him, too. Ugh, it’s a mess. I’m a mess. See? This is the kind of thing no woman in my family can relate to! In this guy’s mind and, sadly, a couple others, I am no more than a series of tight orifices and magnificent tits (yes, they are amazing). Luckily, to most guys who think that way, I haven’t given it up. This guy just happened to request my company in moments where I wanted to stop thinking about someone and when I got rejected by that someone (again, good times!). Now, all there’s left to do is wait for this guy to finally get together with the girl he’s crazy about and change his Facebook relationship status. Like the guy that did it on Valentine’s Day. Or the guy that wanted to cheat on his girlfriend with me (he just got engaged to her)! Ah, these really are the best years of my life.
Gigi: So what now I’m just supposed to turn from every guy who doesn’t like me?
Alex: Uh. Yeah!
Gigi: There’s not gonna be anybody left!