No Longer So

18 Jul

So, it’s over. The guy I’d been dating since early April and I are no longer doing so. It had been a long time coming, but I feel like a fairy tale villain. See, I really was falling for the guy when we started out. I was content without a relationship status, just being with him was enough. Then he thought I needed a relationship and asked for a break. It lasted only 2 days, but in those days apparently, something broke. When we “got back together”, I felt something was missing. I ignored it, figured I was just numb from going from happy to heartbroken to dating again over the course of a weekend. But after the shock went away, the feeling stuck.

We would go days without talking on the phone, and I didn’t really notice. We barely saw each other, and it didn’t feel weird. I didn’t miss him like I should have, which made me feel horrible. On Thursday his parents left town, and he’s wanted me to spend the night since then. He was counting on it today. He had it all planned out. Fall asleep together today, then go to Old San Juan together tomorrow and watch the sunset with a bottle of wine. He called me today and told me he was picking me up to go to a friend’s birthday. When I get in the car he says he’s so happy, nothing can bring him down today. He said that several times in the night. I brought him down. After telling him I didn’t want to spend the night he kept asking me to reconsider. I told him I didn’t feel comfortable doing it. In the car, he asked me if I missed being intimate with him. I answered it was complicated. He asked me why and I unloaded the weight that had been on my chest since the first time we got together. He, without any bad intentions, said some things that hurt me and my confidence on that first night. He said he knew, but he wanted me to say it. He spoke again and his tone was different. He sounded… defeated. He said that when he fell in love with someone, he let go of everything, and with me, he had been holding on all along. Then I said the words I’d been thinking for a long time: “This isn’t working out, is it?”. He answered “no”.  

It wasn’t the melodramatic breakups from the movies. There were no tears, no screams, no bringing up past pains. There wasn’t rain or a sad song on the radio. The night was pretty and the local rock station was playing loudly on the radio as we talked all the way home. I felt horrible, knowing he’s home all alone until Wednesday, without a girl to kiss him when they watch a movie. I thought how bad the time was. But there’s no right time, really. On a happy day I made him sad. On a sad day I would’ve made him sadder. His only request was that I not hook up with C. We hugged goodbye. There were no bad guys here, just two people who were good to each other, but just weren’t good together.We don’t have anything in common”, he said during the drive. He was right. He also said “you need that spark, don’t you?”. He was right again.

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