I started writing this happy, hopeful post about the things that are coming up ahead in my life and ended up writing about something bad that’s happened lately. I hadn’t realized how much those things had hurt me, and how I needed to acknowledge the pain in order to move from it. My face is currently swollen from crying and my head feels like it might crack open. I had to clean mascara streaks off my face and neck, and wipe my nose of the stuff that was threatening to go everywhere. Words matter. I love and respect them. Here I vow to use them for good, to heal and love, never to hurt or hate. Toxicity shouldn’t be allowed into your life. Don’t give in to it.
This is what I wrote:
Lately there’s been a lot of things happening, a lot of pain coming to us from our extended family. The betrayals hurt, but it helps that it happened now and not further down the road. But they still hurt. The same person I spent the night before Christmas taking care of at the hospital is the same person who wished ill upon my sister and intentionally broke my mother’s heart. I wish I could say that I regret having spent so much time with those people, taking care of someone who needed help pulling their pants and underwear up post surgery, but I don’t. I loved them dearly and intensely. When all of it happened I felt shocked and appalled. I shut them out of my heart and refused to feed into the negativity and hatefulness. But right now, talking about it, it hurts so much. Not just the pain I’ve felt for my mother’s heart, but for my own as well. These were people I grew up loving. These were people whose birthdays I remembered and threw surprise parties for. I lost among them my second mother, a woman who I grew up hugging and kissing and whose smell I still remember. And right now I’m crying over losing her for the first time. But some things you can’t take back. I’m glad the last time I was alone with her I gave her a CD I had burned for her because I thought she’d like it when I first heard it. I hope she hears it and thinks of me and all the love she once had for me. I hope she eventually realizes how much she’s hurt and wronged us. But I know she won’t.
This is one of my favorite quotes, and it’s helped me through this:
Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.
Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr